You knew

I know

I know everything... I know it. I know that you need me, I know you made it on purpose for me to read it. I know your inner self wants to contact me. I know I'm ignoring her deliberately. I know I'm playing a fool, trying not to hear what you're saying to me. What your mouth, your eyes, your skin, your hands want me to know. What I already know. That you love me, that you miss me. That you want to be with me now. Right now, no matter when you read this, now you want to be with me. Either walking down the street, sit in a park's bench or lied in the bed, merged into one only hug. I know, honey, I know what you don't. What you ask yourself often this last days. I know everytime you hear me talk, everytime you look into my eyes, everytime you read a poem of mine, I know you feel that way. What way? That way, you know what I'm talking about. You know because is the only thing you know. You can't explain it, sure, but you know what it is, that feeling, that choke, that moment which time stops for a little bit, when you forget everything and you keep reminding yourself you shouldn't do that. "I shouldn't kiss him but I want to. I shouldn't hug him but I need to. I shouldn't overthink this but I can't help it. He's gonna kiss me, do it already! If I do it I won't forgive myself later. But if I fall for it, if I fall for him... Who could blame me? It happened before, there's a reason for it. He's the devil, he can do it, he can play me. But not for evil, he wishes no harm, he's just charm. He's lovable after all, he has all I want. Or maybe he has all I'm used to. After all... it's him." And I should stop. Because you're going to expect it back. And I don't have anything to give you. No, I don't love you. I know you think I do. No, I don't need you, I know you want me to. I care for you, I wish you the best. But not with me. I'm not interested in giving you what makes you happy, not if it costs me. And it would. As always. As usual. You don't deserve my misery in exchange of your happiness. And I don't deserve you. I don't deserve the kids you'd give me. I don't deserve the life you'd give me. I had it all before and I deserve better. I learned. I know you love me, because you say it all the time. And I should stop. But I can't. Not because of you. I can be without you, I can live without your body, without your lips. I have others, you're not special as that, maybe as a friend. I've other friends too... No, I don't need you at all. But you... you are my masterpiece. You are my creation. You are patient zero. You are my source of chaos, and I'm sorry but I just love it. And you don't deserve me to be careful. You weren't. I am having a good time. And right now, even if I care for you, even if I love you, though not like you do, I don't need to protect you. I don't want to. If I am dangerous for you, you're big enough to deal with it. If you want to kiss me, I'll kiss you. And when you realize you love me, I'll be cool and dissapear. You won't even need to do that sabotage you're used to when you find an open door. Because that open door will be an illusion. When you realize you love me, and think I love you back, you'll find a closed door. One that I closed very long ago. And made sure it won't be opened again. I know you love me, even if you're not sure. I know you want this, what we're doing, even if you have doubts. I know everything about you. I know how much time will pass until you understand yourself about me. I know all the process you'll be through. I even know that deep down you already know the answer. I know you're in denial. I know you can't believe it. I know you were sure last time. But I don't get out of people's life unless I want to, because no one wants me out for sure. I know you don't. And I know I do. Eventually. When it stops being fun for both and only is fun for me. I would answer you right now: yes, you love me. Yes you still want Venice to happen. Yes, you still have faith in us, specially now that you see me well and happy. I'm not miserable anymore, you don't have to stand it. Yes, you still want my children, my house, our life and our family. But no, I can't tell you that. You have to figure it out on your own... Otherwise, is game over. And I'm having a good time playing this game. Someday you'll find yourself missing me a big deal and wanting to be next to me. It already happened when you were alone, but now you're surrounded with people you love, how could you feel this way again? And then it will hit you... I have decency, I won't stay though. I'll be gone when it sucks for you. I'll do that favour for you. I know you won't appreciate it but it's the least I can do... Yes, you love me. No, I don't love you.