That friendship that never was

I know I'm probably overreacting, that's kind of my thing. But overreactions sometimes lead us to some truthful thoughts, you know? I mean, picture this scenario. Your girlfriend goes to the toilet before you and she changes the usual toilet paper orientation. It's probably nothing, but you can't avoid thinking that she's invading your space and taking liberties that you'd preferred her not to. That tiny action makes you think about the whole relationship and somehow, you end up wondering whether she's the right one or not. Suddenly you realize the two of you have been living a few tough months and that the toilet paper was only one example of all the times you didn't like her. My point is... an overreaction is rarely an overreaction. Actually, we should pay more attention to those crazy moments when we play Sherlock, making connections between two apparently completely different situations. Or in which we doubt of our own mental health. Those are the moments when everything comes clear and we notice that we've been lying to ourselves and looking the other way, just to preserve something that we thought, made us happy.

I have this friend, you know, he used to be more than a friend to me. I will not talk about love, as a couple kind of love, but yes, I loved him. I liked him the time I noticed he was smart. In fact, I remember the exact day I thought of him as a possible lover. We were hanging at the park with some friends, having milk with vanilla cookies as we used to. I cut a corner of the milk box and was going to make a hole at the opposite side to let the air inside out so the milk could flow without splashing all over the place. Nobody got the idea so I found myself telling him "You are like me, give me your support please". I liked him because I thought he was like me, how narcissist is that? Anyway, after that, timing was the only thing left for us to get together. My current relationship was getting worse and worse everyday and my friend and I started to spend more and more time together.
I'd like to say that things went well for us, but he's not the "happily ever after" guy and surprisingly, I'd become someone who respected myself enough not to let that weird relationship destroy me. So we broke up. We still liked each other so we had kind of a sex hang over. It was fun, I admit that, but didn't last long. Ok, I'm lying, It lasted almost a year after the break up. I thought it was perfect, I didn't want him to change for me, he didn't expect much from me, we had chemistry at bed, what on earth could possibly go wrong from this friendship with glorious benefits? Love.
I'm not the kind of girls who fall in love easily and instantaneously, but he had something, ok? He wasn't the best looking man on earth, he wasn't simple either, or romantic. He was just... the perfect guy for the moment I was passing through. Or that was what I used to think. I was getting out of a four year closed relationship full of crap and he came out of nowhere with a freedom flag over his shoulders. Again, perfect timing.
But months passed away, and timing went meaningless. However, my feelings for him didn't changed at all. I loved him because he was creative, smart and funny. I loved his voice, his mustache, his straight and soft hair and his fallen eyes. His music sent shivers up my spine and made me wanna kiss him. I loved his weirdness and ridiculousness. Everything of him made me want to hug him, kiss him, touch him. Except that we had that stupid unspoken agreement. We shouldn't and we wouldn't. It was supposed to be sex and nothing else. It's funny how it turned out that a kiss meant so much more than sex, that's why I wanted kisses, not senseless pleasure. It was driving me crazy. So I talked to him, knowing that it may end up in chaos. He wasn't the kind of guy that could handle awkward situations, I was risking that relationship out of nothing.
You knew this wasn't a happy ending kind of story from the beginning so stop waiting me to tell you how it ended. Maybe it didn't, who knows? I hope It did. He proved several times that he couldn't care less for me. And I'm sick of trying. I refuse to continue with this asymmetrical relationship. “I don’t know what it is but I don’t find myself vibing with a lot of people these days. I realized that I’ve slowly and subconsciously filtered people out of my life who bring nothing to it. I no longer have the energy for meaningless friendships, forced interactions or unnecessary conversations. If we don’t vibrate on the same frequency there’s just no reason for us to waste our time. I’d rather have no one and wait for substance than to not feel someone and fake the funk.”
If he wants me back, he'll have to speak. And it's better that he says something nice, because I'm not in my mood for tolerating stupidity and selfishness.